I live in denial.
I like my books to be happily unrealistic. Realism is shit. The world is dirty, unfriendly, and doesn’t always end happily. Or so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know. I live next door, in Denialand.
There are a whole lot of things I simply don’t think about – death, disease, drugs, divorce, de future. (Today’s post was brought to you by the letter D.) Generally, I don’t think about these things because I don’t have to. I am innocent and ignorant.
Which, let’s face it, is fine by me. Some of you may be thinking, Here – have some of mine. No thanks. I’m not complaining that I’ve had a decent life.
Sometime, though, it was bound to happen. Something would yank me out, or at least knock on the door, of my little house in Denialand.
One of my friends lost one of her very close friends – perhaps her closest – to anorexia. My friend was about the only person who didn’t give up on her.
(On a side note: the system is faulty.)
We tease her that ALL her friends are crazy – which doesn’t say much about us now does it – but it’s kinda true. She says she’s a magnet for crazy people. I say they’re drawn together. People with shared experiences understand each other.
And I do not.
I want to help, but in a way I don’t. After all, I am quite happy over here in Denialand. I like being in control. I hate conversations because unless the other person is giving huge clues, I don’t know what to say, how to react. I love TV because it’s all so obvious. Who knows what I’d be forced to confront out there in the Real World.
My friend wrote a post to her friend. When I read it, I started to cry. No, it MADE me cry. It was that powerful.
I asked her if I could share it with you all, and here it is.
It worries me, it confronts me, it moves me. And then I retreat. This is not my world. And yet it is. But that passion, that willingness to fight for a friend even when they can’t and no-one else will – I think that is what affected me so much, and I hope that everyone, especially you Shelle, has someone that would do that for them.
Melissa.... my beautiful, beautiful Melissa........
So sad. I am so sad that my girl is gone, Slipped away in the night. It breaks my heart to think I was not next to you when you left.
Please remember... no matter where I am, no matter where you are, no matter what happens... we will never be apart... I swear
Remember the time I rang you in the night because I’d been thinking of you? You cried because you'd been thinking of me at exactly the same time. 4am, awake, just you and me.
We struggled long tedious days, months, years, battling on... until one day I took off, saw a light... I tried so hard to pull you out of the dark and towards the shine... so hard... holding your hand, edging you on to push through this fucked up barrier. This fucked up fricking deathly illness that shields you from feeling, from living, from being.
Some times were ok. Remember our ritual chats on the lawn under the sun? Two tiny mites sitting ... devising plans to fulfil in our lives, dreams, hopes, aspirations. We wanted to travel, to study...
But most of all we just wanted out of the torment that ever single god damn day would bring. People think anorexia is a choice. They think it is a decision. We know though hon. We know and don't worry... because this is my passion... this is what area I will specialise in with my degree... I will fight to help those with eating disorders.
I will help others win the battle that you fought so hard to get a grip of... but eventually let go.
It hurts, it hurts so so bad. My baby, I want you here. I want to make it right. I want you to realise that you do deserve to eat. You deserve love, you deserve, you deserve babe you do deserve please believe me
I want you to know Melissa
I want you to know also that you were soooo so amazingly strong.
You Melissa, are precious.
Without the pain and hurt you suffered in your dark life on earth, I know that you, my beautiful angel, will shine in heaven. I have no doubt that you are an angel.
It is all over now. You are free. Let go and fly away my sweet, fly awaaaay
God please, please let you finally have peace... xx
I would move out of Denial for you, if you needed me. If I knew how.