Guest Post #3: Whoever thought the Ranch would have this many guests?

I have this friend called Carla. She is a very important person who lives In The Real World, and also holds down An Actual Job with Real Money, and is therefore much too busy to regularly update a blog of her own (even though she has one. but she doesn't update, so...no link for you). This means she has to go out and Have Real Adventures In The Real World, then type them up for me to whore out for comments. So... go comment! Because she is funny. And she is the bestest friendest foreverest. And because I say so!

carlabalala says:
i commenwhored myself for you!
carlabalala says:
i'm the bestest friendest foreverest
MissE says:
you so are
MissE says:
wait, i need to add that to your intro

In this installment, she is going on a very small plane to a very remote town with a very hot pilot. Enjoy.

Part One: Meet James
6.06am Mum came into my room. Said "aren't you gonna get ready?" I replied "I still have 9 minutes left til my alarm goes off! Go away!"
6.15am Alarm goes off. Groan. Press snooze.
6.16am Mum comes in, turns on light. "Its twenty past six, hurry up and get up!" kicks me out of bed.
6.17am Have shower. Brush teeth
6.25am Get dressed.
6.36am. Have breakfast. Mum yells to hurry up.
6.40am Get in car. Forget water bottle. Get out of car with sister all pissed off cos we haven't left yet.
6.43am. On the road
6.47am Drop sister at the bus interchange.
6.48am Get to work car park so I can hitch a lift with a bloke from work (he's 60 so no "ooh! who's the bloke?!")
6.55am Bloke still not there.
6.56am Call boss to get number of bloke. Boss doesn't know. Said will find out
6.59am Boss calls back and gives blokes number
7.00am Call bloke. It seems he was parked on the footpath in front of work, not in the car park next to work.
7.01am. Kiss mum goodbye. She demands a hug. Give mum hug.
7.02am On the road
7.20am Get to air charter office. Sit in lounge.
7.21am Marvel at all the H-O-T pilots walking around. Devise plan in head to get their attention. Perhaps faint? Pretend to get phone call that dog has died and start crying? Walk into their change rooms by "accident" and say "whoops, meant to go to the ladies! Sorry!"?
7.25am While furiously thinking of a legit plan, Boss gets there. So does everyone else
7.35am Pilot (hawt! Hi James!) comes in and tells us that they're refuelling the plane, and it'll take 10 mins.
8.05am Pilot (James) comes back and says we're ready to board.
8.06am Get to the airstrip. Pilot (James) says we have to stop off at Katherine to refuel, adding an extra 40mins to the trip. Boss not at all happy. We weren't told this when we booked, and we were already late - we were supposed to take off at 7.30am, to arrive at 9am in remote community.
8.07am. Get on plane (how small! how cramped! Where's the in-flight entertainment?! oh right, iPod. House! Yay!)
8.30am Plane has not moved. Still in front of air charter office
8.31am. Looks like we won't be going to nearby remote community. No chance of booking another charter on such short notice.
8.35am Plane starts moving. Get to airstrip. 6 planes in front of us waiting to take off.
8.55am Takeoff! Much smoother than a big plane, surprisingly. Good sky - not clear, but small fluffy clouds evenly spaced.
9.00am. See big pool, and four courts. Try to figure out what it is. It’s the local pool! Follow the road, count the houses, and... THERE'S MY HOUSE! HI MUM!!!
9.05am. Lots of green trees and grass
9.10am Still lots of trees. Weeds too
9.15am More green trees/grass/weeds with occasional river/stream/road.
9.16am Sick of looking outside window. Time to watch house!
9.45am Wake up with earphone stuck to side of face. Charming. Hope I didn't drool... nope, face all clear. Hope I didn't sleep with my mouth all open - ewww! omg, hope cute Pilot (James) didn't see me like that! Wait - why is House in Atlantic City with some random guy who apparently will fall into a coma again (again?!) in a few hours?! And he's gonna help him WHAT?!
9.50am. I just saw Katherine River! And Katherine Gorge! Cool! OOOH! Waterfall!!! Wonder if could convince boss to get Pilot (James) to give us a scenic tour of Katherine Gorge. Decide not to risk job by asking.
10.00am Stop off at Katherine Airport (HA! THAT'S an airport?! Darwin's barely an airport, how can THAT be one?!) Get into airport (aka, a room) and wait for pilot (James) to refuel. No-one in airport, only us. Rubbish man comes to empty bins. Another plane stops and drops people off. Read signs. Apparently you can't sketch, draw, paint or photograph airbase, or you risk a fine or jail. Question whether you can sculpt the place - no fine there!
10.15am Pilot (hawt!!! James) comes in and says we're ready to go. See another sign that mentions No Aprons. Those crazy Katherine people!
10.20am Take off again. Watch scenery
10.25am Far to much green trees/grass/rivers, etc. Watch House
10.40am Look up. Start freaking out because can only see light grey surrounding all sides. Begin to think have died and am now travelling to heaven via a cramped small plane. Why couldn't I go to heaven first class Qantas?!
10.42am Realise its clouds. Clouds can't hurt us! Start to laugh. Begin panicking again when realise Pilot (James) can't see where he's going.
10.43am Force myself to take deep breaths and not let my boss see me panicking. Must appear cool under pressure so she'll give me a raise for being so brave - if we survive.
10.44am Realise plane is controlled electronically, and the Pilot (James) doesn't have to see where he's going.
10.45am Smack self in the head
10.45-&-a-half am
Boss turns around and asks what's wrong. Quickly say saw mozzie and tried to kill it. Hope she doesn't see red hand mark on forehead
10.46am Boss goes, oh, ok and turns back around. Breathe huge sigh of relief.
10.47am Decide to pack up and sit quietly til we reach remote community - which will be in a couple of mins.
10.57am Plane begin to descend. Wonder where the hell we're gonna land since its all dirt and scraggly trees, with pockets of swamp water scattered about.
10.58am Start to worry. Still don’t see an airstrip. Start to plan how will escape burning plane. Do I remember my first aid? Yes. WAIT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH BURNS WHEN THERE'S NO FRESH CLEAN WATER?!
10.59am Land on airstrip. Obviously they built it while we were in the air, otherwise I would've seen it... right?
11.00am Agree with self that am a complete nitwit. Pilot opens door.
11.02am Am last to get off plane. Nearly fall out of plane because am dizzy. Pilot (James) asks if I'm alright. I say "yeah, sure, I'm fine" whilst gripping on to wing for support, and feverently praying I don't make a fool of myself in front of hawt Pilot (James). Incidentally, I nearly fell off the escalators at London Heathrow airport when we went to Portugal because the plane makes me disoriented. If mum wasn't behind me I would've fallen down (or up? we were going up, and if I fell down, the stairs would only take me up!), so I have a history of this. Not swooning because Pilot (James) is so hawt!!!

Part Two: Meet the Locals
11.03am Get into 4WD with very important person of the Community.
11.05am After nearly breaking jaw from the bumpy ride (bloody NT government won't seal the roads), reach primary school
11.07am Meet random people. School is in assembly.
11.20am School assembly ends. Kids go to classroom.
11.30am Kids come out of classroom. Start to line up for sausage sizzle. Feel hungry myself and wonder when we're gonna eat.
11.35am Random kids come up to me and ask what my name is. Who giggle when I tell them. They've all got nice normal names like Sabrina, George, Ben, Clare, etc. I begin to wonder how they all got a hold of shirts with 50 Cent on it, Billabong, Quicksilver. Can't remember the last time I saw so many brand-name shirts. My high school didn't even have that many - most of us were poor!
11.50am Finally get to have a sausage Sizzle. Get a burnt sausage.
12 noon Stand around listening to the adults talk. All very boring. Turn around and watch the hyperactive kids play on the equipment. Watch two kids try to nick off with the soft drink. Laugh when the teacher reaches for the bottle and finds it missing. Spot the kids in another area giggling like mad and trying to finish the quarter of fizzy drink left before the teacher finds them.
12.10pm Boss asks some kids if she can take their picture. They get all excited and start posing. She takes a couple and they ask to see it. She shows them and they all scream with laughter, making fun of each other.
12.15pm Walk across dirt track (sorry, "road") to see sports shed.
12.16pm Is not a shed, but a steel container with sports clothing and equipment in there. Council pay a bloke (18yr old) for the upkeep of the container. Honestly, its a good idea, full time job and provide training on loaning out equipment, keeping shed tidy and in order, and running after school programs.
12.20pm Get into 4WD to go to town hall. More jaw-breaking rattling.
12.22pm Get to community hall. See Mens centre -they're in the process of putting furniture in there. Putting air conditioning, TV, fridge, couches, table and chairs. Won't be open 24-7 but they'll open it for a couple of hours each day for the men to use. Women already have a centre, much the same
12.30pm Go into community centre office. AIR-CONDITIONING! HOORAY!!! Sit at table. Very important person of the Community announces on loudspeaker for the whole community to hear, anyone with concerns to come to the special town meeting.
12.45pm Dying of thirst, I reach for my water bottle for a long drink. Water in bottle only one degree cooler than outside. Decide to die of thirst, rather than drink boiling water. People come in.
12.48pm Recruit one local to become a member of the party. Get a couple of lads to register on the electorate roll.
12.50pm Everyone discusses problems in community. Try not to yawn as this is rude. Am yawning thru lack of oxygen because the small air-con is no longer coping with all 10 people in room, not because it’s boring.
13.50pm The community meeting wraps up. Promises are made to come back in a months time.
13.52pm Get into minivan for yet another jaw breaking ride to the health clinic.
13.53pm Get to the health clinic. Very important man of the Community goes to pick up Pilot (James) from the school while we meet and greet. Meet some lovely nurses, who are supremely pissed off about the airstrip, and Telstra's insistence on building a tower in a place which makes every pilot refuse to land on the airstrip after dark. Agree wholeheartedly with them, whilst feeling guilty that my hatred for Telstra, besides them being a greedy money-grubbing corporation, is due to them taking an extra 5 days to send me my modem for broadband... whereas the community can't get after-hours medical help flown in because of the tower!
14.25pm Leave the health clinic. Get back into minivan, with pilot (Hi James!) for another jaw breaking ride and head for the shop for some cold cold drinks.
14.26pm Get to the shop. Check with tongue to make sure still have all teeth. Swear feel a loose molar. Hope it doesn't fall out on the last trip to the airstrip.
14.30pm Leave shop. Guzzle 600ml water in one go. Hope don't throw it up when plane takes off. Last jaw breaking ride to the airstrip. Did I mention that my chest hurts because my boobs jiggled so much I felt like I was at the Carnavale in Brazil? Van almost gets lost in a pothole bigger than the Grand Canyon.

Part Three: Return of James
14.35pm Get to airstrip. Say goodbye to very important man of the community. Pilot (James - HAWT!!!) tells us to wait 5 mins while he gets the plane prepped for the journey back. We wait at the Qantas Gold Class lounge - a tin roof with two benches under it.
14.50pm We get into plane. Pilot (James) offers us water and snacks. I decline - don't want to throw up on (hawt) Pilot (James)!
15.03pm Take off! Surprisingly don't throw up. Feel woozy though. Watch scraggly trees/swamp water/dirt get smaller and smaller.
15.04pm Get sick of looking at scraggly trees/swamp water/dirt get smaller and smaller. Watch House
15.35pm Wake up. Why do I keep falling asleep unintentionally?!
15.36pm Try watching House again.
16.15pm Stop watching House. Look out of window, see more familiar green trees/rivers/etc. Play music and watch the scenery
16.20pm See Elizabeth River. Nearly home!
16.25pm See Darwin City, and Darwin Harbour. Cringe at what Toga is doing to the Wharf area. Pilot (James) is giving me a scenic tour! (I wish)
16.32pm Plane lands - could've been better Pilot (James)! Forgive him cos he's so hawt!
16.41pm. Pilot (James) opens door. I'm last off again. Nearly fall off plane (AGAIN!). Pilot (James) puts out his (strong!) arms to steady me. Have I mentioned I want to marry this hawt bloke?! And have his hawt children?!?!?! He asks if I'm okay. I'm all yeah, I'm all good! Walk off trying not to fall over.
16.45pm. Everyone says thanks to Pilot (James). He smiles (omg, HAWT!!!) and says no problems.
16.46pm Go home... and away from Pilot (James). :'o(

Hope you enjoyed the continuing adventures of Carla and Hot James The Pilot. (Well, we hope they will be continuing. Cos James is HOT!) Feel free to comment more on this one guest post than on the rest of my posts combined. I won't cry. Much.