That's it. I'm starting my own centre.

I'm looking for a job. And I mean actively looking now, not just being all, 'wouldn't it be nice if someone offered me a job?' I don't even mean handing in resumes at the two childcare centres I knew existed in Adelaide.

I pulled a list of all the licensed centres ... in South Australia. Twenty pages worth. (Incidentally, I was suprised at the number of Montessori schools here.)

Then I crossed off the ones that were logistically inappropriate. Mount Gambier was dismissed as being too far away. As were Port Pirie, Port Augusta, and Bordertown. Then I was really harsh and cut all the ones north of the city and south of Noarlunga.

(This would work so much better if you all knew where these places were. And that's why God invented Google Maps.)

AND THEN. I realised I had to cut out a lot more. Based solely on their names.

Most of them went [Suburb] [Optional direction indicator] [Optional 'Community'] Childcare Centre. Which is fine, if boring. But I have a problem with some of the others.

For example, "[Area] Community Childcare Centre - [Suburb] Campus." Campus? Campus?! They're not at uni. They're not even in primary school! They don't have 'campuses.' (Campusi?)

Oh, and "[Suburb] Childcare Centre - Baby House," I realise you have two separate 'campuses' and one is for the older kids and one is for the babies, but couldn't you come up with something better than 'Baby House'?

I'll let all the "Kindergarden"s go, because even if I think it goes creche-preschool-primary school aka big school, I know that you people down here don't talk good. What I will not let slide, however, is "Kindy."

Then we have all the ex-hippies who feel the need to add some sort of explanation about their environment into the name of the centre. Here's a hint: almost everyone has "Blossoms" "Blue Skies" and "Horizons." It is Adelaide, "The Hills" or "The Ranges" don't really narrow it down at all. Neither does "The Neighbourhood."

Plus, some of these names may lead to some confusion. I assume that "Rainbow" refers to the colourful things in the sky, and not to the fact that you're churning out gay three-year olds by the trike-load. Likewise, I may assume that the "Emu Children's Centre" is located somewhere with 'Emu' in the name. Of course, I may be wrong. Maybe they're bringing up the emu children.

I hate all the lovey-dovey ones, peace and harmony bullshit. "Parent Child" "New Friends" "Next Generation" and "Stepping Stone": give me a break. Conversely, I also don't like the ones who try to pretend all they have to do is watch the kids play all day: "Playhouse" "Playschool" and "Toy Box": do some work.

The final ones can be divided into three categories:

1. Nursery rhymes: "Goldilocks" "Pied Piper" and "Nanna's." Just ... no.

2. One who can't spell or feel the need to make a mockery of the English language: "Iddy Biddy Kids" "Kiddywinks" and "Kidz Club." If you can't spell, why should I believe you would be able to teach the kidz kids to spell? Or do anything else for that matter.

3. Grr. People referring to children at Little Anything, or any derivation thereof: "Lil Sprouts" "Little Rascals" "Little Treasures" "Mini Gems" "Precious Cargo" and "Tiny Tots." We know they're lil little. They're children.

And finally, things that make me go 'uhh...?' "Edge Kids Life." "Tri-Skills." Yeahhhhh nope. I have no idea.

PS: Should anyone at any of these centres have the urge to give me a job, call me! I was just ... kidding. I love your name!